First of all, I know that “why you should only date once you’ve learned to love yourself” is a mouthful for a title. I just don’t know how else to say it. I know people will argue that it’s easier to love yourself once someone else shows you love. I also know that the lack of love for oneself usually comes from feeling unloved by everyone around you. You can’t define how worthy of love you are by looking at how people treat you. Now let’s dive into why.
Don’t Let Others Define Your Worth
Some of us grow up feeling unloved by our families. Some of us have very distant relationships with our parents. Some of us have had best friends of the opposite sex who never chose us but kept us at close reach whenever they needed their emotional needs to be met (hi, I’m some of us). When those experiences pile up, especially in our formative years, we come to conclusions about how worthy of love we are based on the proof we see around us. If the people closest to us don’t seem to love us or don’t like us enough to commit, why would anyone else? That is a false narrative that can become ingrained in your heart. But just because people who were supposed to make you feel loved, or people you expected to – don’t, does not mean you are not worthy of it.
The Danger of Dating While Not Loving Yourself
This may seem like an exaggeration, but I truly believe it is dangerous to date before you love yourself. Speaking from my own experience, I know that it can lead to abuse. If all you’ve ever wanted is to be chosen and you’ve seen “proof” that you’re not worthy to be chosen, how will you say no? As soon as someone comes along and deems you worthy – it’s game over. Finally! Someone has noticed you! And suddenly that mere fact clouds your judgement. It fills the void that should be filled with self-love.
Unhealthy Relationships
Maybe you get lucky and the person who chooses you is not an abuser. Does that solve the problem? No, because now you’ll constantly think that you don’t deserve them. Your partner will have the constant task of having to reassure you. No words or actions will convince you that you are, indeed, worthy of their love. Because you don’t even think you deserve to love yourself. That will either lead to self-sabotage, or exhaustion for the partner.
How To Learn to Love Yourself
Step one – go to counselling to uncover all the past experiences that have instilled the belief in you that you’re not worthy of love. You weren’t born with it. We’re all born as uniquely beautiful creatures who deserve love. So do you. Those beliefs formed later in life and can be fought. Read books about changing your thought patterns. Try and catch yourself whenever you have a negative thought about yourself. Start saying positive affirmations to yourself.
My Journey
I began my journey of searching for self-love in 2018 and I’ve come a very long way since then. However, I still battle those negative beliefs. Recently, I had a moment where I thought I didn’t deserve my fiance because he’s so kind and generous to me. I had to pause and tell myself that I was worthy of love and deserved the best kind of man. I also had to uncover why I believe that I only deserve love if I’ve done something to earn it. I’ve now gone back to counselling to try and uncover that. Stay tuned, I’m sure I’ll share my findings here eventually.
Final Thoughts
While this is my opinion of why you should only date once you’ve learned to love yourself, I hope you see at least some truth in here. If you struggle with your self-worth, I hope you begin the journey to find out why. I hope you start being kind to yourself. I hope you know that you are beautiful, worthy and a special person. And if there are any points you disagree with, as always, I’d love to hear them in the comments.