The reason why I write about relationships might not be what you think it is. If you’ve been here a while or have known me for some time, you’ll know that I love talking about relationships. That can be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. I’ve clearly mainly focused on romantic ones on this blog and I’d like to tell you why.
I know some people read my blog hoping to get some tea about my experiences. That is obviously not my goal. I have a lot to say without diving into personal details. My goal is to use my experience to help others, not to be scandalous. Why do I want to or feel like I need to help others with relationships? Well, sadly, I know a few too many people who either jumped into commitment after ignoring red flags or refusing to leave full-on abusive relationships. And in this instance when I say abuse I mean physical threat.
It breaks my heart that so many of my close friends are unhappy with their partners. I’m clearly not talking about “he doesn’t do everything I want” or “he doesn’t have as much money as I’d like” types of situations. I’m talking about situations of substance abuse, adultery, disrespect, and purposely hurtful behaviour. Despite having known these friends for years, I heard about the red flags only after the commitment had been made.
How to Warn a Friend
I’ve thought about this so much over the last couple of years. What kind of warning would have made me stop in my tracks and rethink my decisions? When you have your mind set on someone, it’s so hard for anyone to break through those walls. Especially if you’re not telling anyone about what it’s really like behind closed doors. I know that in the culture that I come from it is really frowned upon to tell anyone about your relational issues. My mum used to say “a bird doesn’t crap in its own nest”. I think that is such a damaging view that opens the door for abuse to flourish. I wish we could talk openly about our issues. Imagine understanding that our friends love us and want the best for us?!
How would I speak to a friend who’s in a relationship where I see red flags? I think it’s important to start by saying how much you care for that friend. Tell them how much you want for them. Be specific about the kind of partner they deserve! Then, and only then, lovingly point out things you have noticed. I think it’s crucial to ensure that you come off loving and concerned, rather than judgemental.
Why People Ignore Red Flags
I discussed this with my best friend after my last blog about affection. Her opinion of why people ignore red flags is that people don’t want to admit that they’re wrong. If someone’s been dating their partner for a while or is planning a wedding, it may be daunting to say “I was wrong. All the social media posts I’d made about this person were exaggerated or only reflected our best moments”. Nobody likes being wrong.
However, based on my experience and what I’ve heard from close friends who are staying in those relationships, the major reason is fear. Fear of never meeting anyone ever again. Fear of being alone and lonely. Worry that their worst thoughts about themselves – that they’re unlovable, unattractive, boring, not funny – might be true. All of these fears stem from the low self-worth that should have been addressed way before getting into a relationship. If it wasn’t, then as a friend you should remind them of their worth. As Christians, we know that our worth comes from God and how He sees us. And He sees us as fearfully and wonderfully made. A great way to address low self-worth is to go to counselling to see what those core beliefs stem from.
Unhealthy Relationships Affect Your Physical Health
Last and absolutely not least, unhealthy relationships can and do affect your physical health. While I’m no medical expert, I’ve read enough books about trauma and stress to understand how that affects our bodies. “When the Body Says No” by Gabor Mate has stories in every single chapter where illnesses could be tracked back to harmful relationships in a family, whether in childhood or marriage. Having read all that, it makes me scared for my friends who take dating so lightly. You’re not just looking for someone to be around so you don’t feel lonely. The person you choose to spend your life with will deeply impact your quality of life.
Final Thoughts
I hope that if one of my readers is in an unhealthy relationship of any sort, they’ll rethink it, that’s why I write about relationships. If it’s family – put some boundaries in place. If it’s romantic, maybe it’s time to face the reality that it’s not your person before too much damage is done. I love you all and want the absolute best for you. Please love yourself enough to allow that into your life.