If you’ve ever asked yourself – why do I attract toxic people – I might have the answer for you. It’s the answer I’ve come to based on my personal experience and various books/podcasts I’ve listened to.
What Attracts Toxic People
In my experience, toxic people (aka manipulators or narcissists) are attracted to people who have low self-worth and no boundaries. They want to be with someone easily manipulated to get what they want. If you don’t know how to say no, or what to do when someone ignores your no – that’s a goldmine for a toxic person. It will start with little things. It could be as simple as giving you a silly nickname you don’t like. If after expressing that you don’t like it they persist calling you that, and you persist communicating with them, they’ll see how much further they can push. Unfortunately, it can lead to severe abuse. Certain people, specifically narcissists, don’t care how much harm their abuse causes you. It’s almost like a game to see just how far they can push you.
Why Your Self-Worth Matters
It works particularly well for toxic people if you have low or no self-worth at all. If you think that a sliver of affection means you are worthy of love – that’s all you’re going to get. Toxic people don’t start by being nasty from the get-go. Sometimes they’ll start with love bombing, sometimes just a few compliments here and there. Just enough validation to keep you coming back, if that’s all you’re after. With time, you’ll become increasingly attached, almost addicted to those breadcrumbs of affection. You’ll wait out the nasty moments, the emotional or even physical abuse, waiting for that slight glimmer of what you perceive as love.
How to Avoid Toxic People
It’s not all doom and gloom, however. I firmly believe that if you work on yourself and learn how to set boundaries, you’ll be of no use to a narcissist. That’s why I think it doesn’t matter who you attract – it’s about who you allow into your life. If you learn that you are worth more than breadcrumbs, those breadcrumbs will become off-putting. If you learn that you are worthy of love, that you’re a catch, then someone asking you to prove your worth to them, or flat out questioning it – will be an immediate red flag and a sign to remove yourself from that situation.
Final Thoughts
Even if you have a history of abusive relationships, that doesn’t mean that’s all you’ll ever have. If you learn to love yourself, dig deep to uncover your core beliefs about yourself and where they’ve come from – you can change who you surround yourself with. It will take a lot of work. But the partner you choose will determine the quality of the life you live. It could make or break it for you. Now it’s up to you. Will you continue to ask yourself “Why do I attract toxic people?” or will you do the work that makes you unattainable for them? I’ve done it and I believe you can, too.