Setting expectations in the early stages of dating is the starting point for good communication. You’re just getting to know someone, investing your time, and as two individuals come together – there are bound to be differences in expectations. Some people only date with marriage in mind and want to know that your core values and desires align from the get-go. Others are more flexible in getting to know people, seeing if they enjoy spending time together and only then dive into the important questions. Or perhaps they have no intention of getting to the deep questions at all and are simply having fun. That’s why you need to be able to distinguish what’s in front of you.
Why You Should be Clear with Your Expectations
To Save You Time
We’ll meet thousands of people in our lifetime. Hopefully, it won’t take dating thousands to meet the one, but it might still be a few. If you are upfront about your expectations, i.e., wanting a relationship or just looking to meet people, you’ll save time for yourself and the other person if those don’t align.
To Practise Vulnerability
It can be hard voicing your wants and needs to someone you barely know. Or maybe someone you’ve known for a while and now want to take things further. When we express what we want, we risk being rejected. However, if you don’t ask for what you want, you’re potentially delaying the same result. When you put yourself out there, say what your expectations are, be proud of yourself! And if someone rejects you then hey, at least you saved yourself some time.
To Find What You’re Looking For
If you don’t tell people what you want, for example, a serious relationship – that reduces your chances of ever finding it. If you keep investing your time in people who clearly tell you they’re not looking for the same things you are, you’re delaying meeting someone who is. Let’s look at it from the point of someone who’s looking to get married. To do that, you need to weed out people who are only looking for casual relationships. Maybe they don’t believe in marriage at all? Or maybe they’re just saying they’re not ready for a relationship. Believe them when they tell you, or show you the first time. It’s not a challenge for you to change their mind.
The Importance of Labels
The “label conversation” I had with my current boyfriend was quite amusing. I had gotten to a point where I was sure I wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone else. I wanted to make it clear that he was my priority and that I wouldn’t look to meet anyone else. To me, that’s what the label “boyfriend” represents. However, to him, it had completely different connotations. It meant added pressure and more expectations. Neither one of us was wrong, we just had a different understanding of what the label meant. I reassured him that becoming boyfriend and girlfriend didn’t mean I was expecting a ring in the next 6-12 months.
It just meant that I liked him, I liked where things were going, and I wanted to commit to only continue that process with him to see where it takes us. Could we get married in the future? I didn’t know that 6 weeks into dating him. But I knew that I was willing to find out if we could get there eventually.
If You’re Dating to Get Married
Here’s my advice to those of you who are dating to find your spouse. Don’t go into the first few dates expecting to know whether you could marry them or not. Spend that time asking them questions about what’s important to them, get to know them, see if you enjoy their company. You’re not meant to have all the answers right away. And you’re not wasting your time by getting to know people (unless you know straight away that your values don’t align). You’re not even meant to know if you’d want to marry them after a couple of months. I know I didn’t. Who we marry is such an important decision that you shouldn’t take lightly. Don’t put that extra pressure on yourself and on the person in the early stages of dating.
Final Thoughts
Setting expectations in the early stages of dating can give you so much clarity and reassurance. If you’re on the same page about what you’re looking for, enjoy the time you have in getting to know them. When you get to a point where you want to take the next step, tell them! Be clear about what those labels mean to you, what your expectations are, and listen to the response. If you’re being reasonable in wanting more of a commitment and the person says no, perhaps they’re just not the one for you. And if you’re already in that next stage, check out my blog about expectations in dating and how to set them.