I’ve spoken about red flags in romantic relationships, but as a Christian, I thought it was time to also talk about red flags in Christian dating. Picking a partner is one of the most important decisions we’ll make in life. The person you choose to spend your life with will either support you or bring you down. They’ll either pray for you and with you or not be bothered about that. It could determine the quality of the rest of your life in a major way. And as Christians, we strive to marry once and spend our lives with that person. The better prepared you are going into dating, the better your chances of picking the right person.
“God Said You’re the One”
Speaking of picking. I know some Christians believe God created their spouse just for them, a soulmate type of situation. I don’t believe that. I believe we all have free will and multiple people we could make a life with. However, some people really hone in on that belief of a soulmate. The Christianese version of that is “God told me you’re the one”, or “God told me you’re my future wife/husband”. The earlier in the dating stage it is said, the brighter the red flag. In my personal experience, having zero dating experience and being extremely naive, when I heard those words I thought ‘Well I better not argue with God’. It can be a manipulation tactic. Especially if you’re a Christian who takes faith seriously and wants to obey God.
I do think God can give clarity, and maybe sometimes even tell you if the person you’re dating is your future spouse. I don’t believe he would tell you or the other person that early on. My own example, as well as that of a few people I know – it did not end up in marriage. Shocker.
Lack of Physical Boundaries
Let’s call a spade a spade. If the person you’re seeing says that certain sexual acts are okay because it’s not going all the way – run. The Bible is crystal clear on purity and sexual immorality. While people like taking liberty in their definition of sexual immorality, I don’t think there’s much to debate. If someone is touching the most private parts of your body before you are married – how is that not sexual immorality? Those sensations and the bonding it creates were created for two individuals bonded by the marriage covenant. I’m not saying this to shame anyone and I know how hard it can be. But don’t let anyone fool you.
They Don’t Read the Bible
The best way to build a firm foundation of faith is by reading the Bible. It’s God’s word, His guidance for our lives. If the person you’re seeing doesn’t read the Bible, I would be concerned. And I’m not trying to be legalistic and say you need to read your Bible daily. It’s not about our works. But there should be some sort of consistency and most of all, desire to know God’s word and live according to it.
They Gossip
This could easily be a red flag in any relationship, but particularly in Christian dating. To me, that’s a sign of a lack of integrity and respect for other people. If they’re constantly talking about other people, sharing their personal lives with you, it’s not someone you should trust. If they’re telling you personal details about others, someday they’ll likely share details about you with others.
History of Failed Relationships
This is also a very nuanced point. We all make mistakes, and most of us don’t pick the right person first try. If anything, failed relationships can be a great way to learn about yourself and what you want from a partner. But that’s exactly it – it requires learning. If the person you’re seeing has a history of long-term failed relationships, can they explain why they failed and hold themselves accountable for their part in it? If they’ve dated multiple people, each relationship lasting at least a couple of years, and their only response is – my exes were crazy, you’ll soon join that club of crazy exes. Do they get defensive when you ask them about it? It’s not the failed relationships in and of themselves that are a red flag. It’s how they see them and talk about them. It’s all about recognising toxic patterns and taking accountability.
Have Never Served
Serving at church requires humility, consistency and diligence. It’s not always convenient, and sometimes it might not be what you’d like to be doing at that moment. But it honours God and builds His church. If the person you’re dating doesn’t, hasn’t, and has no intention of serving – find out why. Pay attention to the response. It could tell you a lot about how they view faith and God’s place in their life.
Christian Only on Sundays
Speaking of God’s place in their lives – do they stand out from the crowd outside of church? If you saw them any other day and looked at the way they carry themselves, would you guess they’re a Christian? Having a relationship with God is not something we pick up on Sundays. It should be evident in nearly everything we do. Our characters should reflect that we know the love of God personally. Do they pray during the week, read the Bible, tell you what God’s speaking to them or doing in their life? Be on the lookout for a faith that is alive and functioning.
Final Thoughts
These are some red flags in Christian dating that pop into my mind straight away. I’m sure there are many more. If you have anything you’d like to add – I’d love to hear it! I hope you’ve found this helpful.