I thought it’s time to write about life after trauma for a couple of reasons. Firstly, people who haven’t experienced trauma struggle to relate. Secondly, I’ve felt like people have questioned my certain decisions because they don’t see the behind-the-scenes. So, here’s a look at what life has been like now two years after certain traumatic experiences.
Triggers That Persist
While the trauma in and of itself was nightmare-inducing, it doesn’t seem to be what haunts me most these days. It’s the people who were in the position of power who knew what happened and did nothing to protect me. It’s also the people who were pastors, who found out, and never checked in. It’s people who never acknowledged what happened, and continued life as if nothing ever did. I don’t have that option. Sometimes I go to bed and still have flashbacks of what happened and cry myself to sleep. Two years on.
People With a Broken Moral Compass
This truly is the most triggering thing. I know Christianity is all about grace and loving your neighbour, but it’s also about holding fellow Christians accountable. In my situation, there was zero accountability and zero remorse. And, obviously, zero consequences. If you’re part of a community that celebrates people that Paul warns us about in 1 Corinthians 5:11-13, then I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to see you on my social media feed, I don’t want to interact with you and pretend that I am okay with your choices of who you surround yourself with. In my view, you don’t care much about who’s in your circle. I do. To the point where my circle has shrunk incredibly and I’ll let it continue shrinking. I hope it will eventually only include people with integrity, compassion and a heart for justice.
My Environment
Another big trigger is the environment I live in – my flat. I basically live in a crime scene. I’ve spoken about my desire to move forward before and I know it’s coming soon. But most times the flashbacks are caused by the fact that I’m still in the exact location where everything took place.
How Trauma Affected Me
So, I’ve already mentioned nightmares and flashbacks. Turns out I can also be triggered by a message at church. A few weeks back, there was a great message about anger. While I don’t express my anger physically, it really revealed just how much of it I still have in my heart. I started sobbing about halfway through the message and could only stop about half an hour later. The comforting part of the message was that God sees. While I’ve felt like my trauma was completely ignored by a lot of people around me, I know that God saw and still sees my pain. I believe that God is just. And whether that justice is served on this side of Heaven or the other, I know it will happen eventually.
What I Worry About
I’m not going to lie. One thing I’m very wary of while writing this is that I probably come off very bitter. But I believe that emotion is justified considering the circumstances. It’s not an emotion I want to feel, but while I continue to reshape my circle and who I allow into my life, I’ll just deal with it the best I can.
Final Thoughts
More than anything, I hope that this gives a glimpse into what life after trauma is like. While those events will always be part of my story, I know that the way they affect me will change. I believe that God lightens our burdens and comforts those who are weary. I believe that He sees my pain and is near me. If you have people in your environment who have experienced trauma – please don’t dismiss their experiences. Don’t minimise it, don’t pretend it never happened, and also don’t say they’ll be traumatised for life. Trauma is part of my story, but it’s just one small chapter that does not define how the rest of my story goes.