If you’ve spent the first two decades of your life daydreaming about when things will happen in your life, letting go of timelines can be heartbreaking. Finish university by 23, get married by 25, have a first child by 28. Sounds familiar? Perhaps with slight variations, a lot of us have similar timelines. Maybe yours also includes being a millionaire by 30 and retiring by 40. The reality is, life doesn’t work that way. What do we do then?
Where do timelines come from?
As I’ve worked to let go of my timelines one by one this decade, I couldn’t help but ask where they even came from. For women especially, there are societal and biological pressures to adhere to certain timelines. People, and doctors, will tell you to have children before you’re 35. But what if I haven’t met my person by then? Give up on the idea of motherhood? Marry the first man who shows some interest? Obviously, neither of us is the answer. I also remember being asked at what age I wanted to be married by my friends at church. As if I had any control over that. I think I said 27 as I was in my early-mid twenties already.
The Effect a Timeline Can Have
Let’s be honest. When life doesn’t go the way you wanted it to, it’s painful to accept it. It can feel like you’re falling behind in life. Add to that a bunch of people around you who seem to be further ahead in life and you may even feel like a failure. A failure not because you haven’t done your best, but because you haven’t followed a fictional timeline set by others or the teenage version of you. What did teenage-you know? Not much.
Timelines I’ve Had to Let Go
I don’t think much in my life went down the conventional timeline route. I finished school at 18, that’s about it. I only got my degree at 27, and at the age of 29 I’m not at my first full-time, career kind of job. Glad I hadn’t put pressure on myself to be a millionaire by 30. But that big 30 is fast approaching, and even during my last birthday, I realised how many ideas that didn’t come to fruition I had to grieve. Yes, grieve. Acknowledge that it was something I really wanted, give myself credit for all the things I’ve gone through, survived and now thrive. But still, grieve the dreams that haven’t come true yet.
I definitely thought I would be a mother by now. I’m nowhere near that, but I also know I wouldn’t be financially ready for it. So what can I do? I can acknowledge that I’ve still got some waiting to do, and acknowledge that it hurts to feel behind on my dreams. And in the meantime, I can focus on growing in every area that I have control over. I can go to counselling to work through trauma. I can read books that help me get to know myself better and learn about gentle parenting. I can focus on my career and get the most out of the opportunities I’ve been blessed to get.
Why You Should Let Go of Timelines
First of all, I think it’s great to have goals and dreams. It helps us focus on things we really want and work towards achieving them. But some things are just out of our control. Have those goals and dreams, but don’t set a limit on when you’re supposed to achieve them. God’s plans and timing are always better than ours. Give yourself grace, be patient with yourself, and don’t compare yourself to others. We all have our own journeys to focus on.
Final Thoughts
I think it all comes down to being compassionate with yourself. Be kind to yourself and where you’re at. Acknowledge the effort it took to get there. Set goals for the future, but do it with love for yourself. And most importantly, don’t forget that it’s okay to be sad about things not going the way you thought they would. Hindsight is 20/20 and chances are, someday when you look back, you’ll be so grateful that certain aspects of your life didn’t work out the way you thought they would.