Learning how to set boundaries was one of my key lessons in 2022. I read books on boundaries, I talked to a counsellor about it, and I spoke to my friends about it. I did my best to learn not only how to set boundaries, but also how to implement consequences once those boundaries are disrespected.
Realising I Had a Boundaries Issue
I’m not sure how, but I feel like I didn’t hear the word boundaries much until I started counselling in 2021. I’m sure I’d heard the word, was familiar with the concept, but it wasn’t something I had analysed. It wasn’t until my counsellor recommended a book by Henry Cloud ‘Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life’ that I took a really good look at my own life. The book clearly details three different issues that people have with boundaries. I didn’t recognise myself in the first two. I knew I’d said no to people multiple times and I also knew how to accept good things into my life. Then I came to problem number 3 – people who manipulate boundaries. I realised that my issue wasn’t so much not expressing my boundaries, as it was allowing other people to walk all over them.
How to Set Boundaries
While my initial reaction was blaming others for ignoring my boundaries, the book made it clear that I played my part in it. That part is creating consequences for people who disrespect your boundaries. For example, if I am talking to a person and have told them multiple times that I do not wish to speak on a specific topic and they keep probing and sharing information I don’t want to know, the consequence is not giving them that access to me anymore. If I am sure that I made that boundary very clear, I said it multiple times and it was ignored, I will not spend more time with that person. It obviously depends on the level of friendship and the kind of relationship you have. To me, it came down to valuing my mental health over a friendship with someone I saw a couple of times a year.
Setting Boundaries in Conversation
This is something I still struggle with. There are parts of my story that I no longer want to talk about, but people are still curious. And sometimes it’s not even that I tell people not to ask and they do. I kind of let them in on some facts, and then they want details. I’ve realised that my solution to this is to have a script in my head. Kind of like a FAQ section in my brain, knowing exactly what I am comfortable with sharing when it comes to those specific questions. If I don’t, I leave the time with a friend feeling like I overshared.
Find Your Support
If you are new to setting boundaries, it is important to have people around you who will check in on you. If you have specific meetings or situations coming up where you know it might be hard for you to say no, let a friend or a counsellor know it’s coming up. Create a plan of what boundary you will set and how. Christmas of 2021 I really dreaded getting messages from people who were no longer part of my life. I knew it was inevitable and would come with good intentions, but I did not have the emotional capacity to deal with it. The solution my counsellor and I came up with was to delete Messenger for a few days. Over the holidays I let my family know that I would use a different app to stay in touch. I had a plan, took specific steps, and had someone who knew the plan and would later check up on me. A few days later, when I was ready, I reinstalled Messenger. All the messages I’d been expecting eventually came in, and I was ready to respond.
Blocking People As a Boundary
Now let me explain something. The people whose messages I was dreading had done nothing wrong. If someone has hurt you, abused you, or been unkind to you – you have every right to block them. Just make sure that you do it to protect yourself, not to get a reaction. If they say you’re acting like a 5-year-old (I’ve been told that), that’s just a sign that they’re trying to guilt trip you or shame you into removing a boundary you’ve set for your benefit. It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to set boundaries. And no, most people won’t be happy that you’ve done that.
Final Thoughts
Learning how to set boundaries is a journey and not an easy one. Especially if it’s a foreign concept to you, the way it was to me. And I’m still on that journey. Make sure you have people who will support and encourage you on this journey. Whether that’s friends, family, or a professional counsellor. It’s important to have someone you can trust who has your best interest at heart. If you’re learning how to set boundaries, don’t give up when it gets hard. It takes practice and time but you’ll get there.