Ending a relationship is never easy, but how do you know for sure, is it time to break up? The quick answer is that you rarely know for sure. However, there are several things to consider and help you decide.
Dating vs Marriage
I want to make it very clear that this post is for people who are dating. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the vows we make for better or for worse. However, many people treat dating like marriage. Dating is your chance to see whether you could spend the rest of your life with this person. This is the time for you to have your eyes wide open for all of their flaws, red flags, ways of dealing with anger, and communication styles. It’s hard to be objective when you’re in love, but you should try your hardest to always have the bigger picture in mind.
You Don’t Need Permission To Break Up
First things first, you don’t need the other person to agree with you. If you think you’ve given the relationship a fair try, you’ve weighed the pros and cons of being with the person, you’re free to walk away. This might sound obvious, but it might be a challenge to some. I know it was for me, and I’ve heard similar stories from friends. When you tell your partner that you don’t think you’re a good match and they respond with “We balance each other out, we’re a perfect match of patience and impatience” (you being the patient one, of course), it can throw you off course. I’m here to give you permission to walk away, even if your partner thinks you’re the love of their life. Dating is about finding the love of YOUR life.
Gratitude vs Hope
This is a method I wish I’d heard sooner. If you’re unsure about a relationship you’re in, create a list with two categories. On one side of the page, write down all the things you’re grateful for in the relationship. On the other side, write down what you wish would change. You should date the person for who they are, not their potential. If the list of hopes is longer than the list of things you’re grateful for – it might be time to end it. Important to note, if the list of gratitude is longer but you have absolute non-negotiable items on the side of your hopes, you’re likely wasting your time.
Giving them the Benefit of the Doubt
I’ve heard friends say “I don’t want to judge him too soon” when the guy has ignored them for 3 days. Sure, life happens. But if this occurs on multiple occasions, you should judge them for it. There comes a point when you start being a fool by giving someone the benefit of the doubt. It may seem cynical, but choosing your partner is one of the most important decisions of your life. When someone shows you who they are – believe them. Ideally the first time.
Leave Abuse
This one falls in a similar category as giving the benefit of the doubt. They hurt you once but promised you they won’t do it again. You believe them. Why? Because you can’t fathom hurting someone you love and think it must’ve been a mistake that they’ve hurt you. My advice – don’t stick around to find out if it’s a pattern. Abuse only gets worse with time. Abusers begin by testing your limits, seeing what you say no to, and whether you push back when they ignore your “no”. As much as you love the person, you have to put yourself first.
Red flags – Is It Time to Break Up?
I could list many, many red flags that should make you run, but it would make this post extremely long. Also, I’ve covered red flags in a romantic relationship before, give it a read! While we’re all human and all have our own red flags, not everyone is capable of being a good partner. It’s okay to want the best for yourself and leave a relationship when it doesn’t add to your life.
Is Your Life Easier or Harder With Your Partner?
Which leads to my next point. Can you rely on your partner? Do they listen to how you feel loved and act on it? Being in a relationship isn’t just about the lovey-dovey stuff. It is literally a partnership. Ideally for life. Understand the weight of this and think about what it is you really want from a partner. If it helps you, write down those qualities. Will they look after you when you’re unwell? Do they listen and empathise when you’ve had a long day? Little things add up. Choose a partner who will make your life easier.
Listen To Your Family and Friends
If your family and friends say negative things about your partner, chances are they’re right. You may think they don’t know them like you do. However, they also don’t have the blinders that you do. Trust that people who have been in your life the longest, who have a track record of having your best interest at heart, are looking out for you. Especially take note if your partner then tries to distance you from your friends. Isolation can almost feel romantic in the moment. It’s just you two against the world. You’re meant to be together but someone is fighting against it. As if your life is a poorly written rom-com. It’s not. Your family and friends are trying to help you.
Final Thoughts
Is it time to break up? Only you can decide. I’ve been in this position before and I know how hard it is to make that decision. Don’t wait until the situation is so unbearable that you have no choice but to walk away. Love and respect yourself the way you love and respect others. And sometimes, it doesn’t even have to be that deep. Maybe you’re not compatible or the person isn’t teachable and refuses to learn how to make you feel loved. I hope the points I’ve made have been helpful.
great article, thank you!
Thank you for reading!