Firstly, the reason I can tell you how to recognise red flags in a relationship is because I ignored so many in the past. And the fact that I ignored them doesn’t mean that I didn’t see them. They were bright and beaming, I had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right and just chose to look away. I’ve also heard some people say that we all come with red flags, I’m not sure I agree with that. Of course, we all have flaws and different views that could be non-negotiable to someone. However, to me, a red flag is an indicator of things to come such as disrespect, poor treatment or even abuse. The red flags I’m going to name will be those I’ve seen first-hand. I think once you become more aware of them, the concept of dating done right becomes more easily attainable. Without any further ado, here are some red flags I wouldn’t ignore ever again.
Red Flags in a Relationship
With many shades of red out there, let’s start with some really common ones and go deeper into less obvious ones.
1. Every Man/Woman in Their Life is a Psycho
I’ll clearly state my experiences from a woman’s perspective, but I think this applies to both men and women. Here’s my example. I was talking to a guy and during our conversation, he made sure to let me know that every woman in his life was a psycho. His ex (this is a common one, but not one to ignore. Perhaps you drove her crazy?), his sisters, his mum, and even my best friend he’d met once very briefly. And my friend is a quiet, kind-natured person. While him saying such negative things about family members was already sounding warning alarms, labelling my best friend crazy was his nail in the coffin. I did not see him after that. And I know it’s common for people to refer to their exes as crazy. Let’s face it, most breakups aren’t amicable. However, pay attention to how they speak of, or to, their family members of the opposite sex. If a guy shows no respect to his mother, chances are he won’t respect you either.
2. Your Boundaries are a Joke or a Challenge
Especially when striving for Christian dating done right, people try to have clear physical boundaries. If someone you’re talking to says they like testing boundaries – believe them. While it can come off flirty and cheeky, it’s really not. First and foremost it is disrespectful. Secondly, it is selfish. So this type of behaviour already tells you a lot about the person and how they’d treat you. As they say, when someone shows you who they are – believe them.
3. They Don’t Ask Questions
Beginning stages of dating can be nerve-wracking. I know I’ve definitely gone blank on first dates. However, if it becomes a pattern that it’s all about you asking them questions, take a pause. Are they really interested in getting to know you? Keep in mind, it’s okay to communicate your expectations to the person and let them know how you feel about them not asking questions. But once you do, watch with your eyes. Does their behaviour change? Are they consistent with it?
4. They Don’t Really Listen
Here’s the thing, listening isn’t just about letting the other person talk. It’s also about listening simply for the sake of listening. Not waiting to jump in with your opinions, not thinking about your response in the meantime. It’s about empathy and making the person feel heard. Sounds simple, but I still struggle. If it’s a recurring pattern, seems like a red flag of them being self-absorbed.
5. They Minimise Your Feelings
We all want to be seen and heard. Sometimes when we express our feelings or share traumatic experiences, we just want someone to tell us they hear us. That they’re sorry we went through something awful. Or perhaps just sorry that we had a long day. If they twist it around and say “other people have it worse” or “well, it’s not like someone tried to kill you”(I legit heard this one myself), that is minimising your feelings. It’s as if you’re not allowed to feel tired. Or have bad memories that weren’t as bad as those of the person you’re talking to. We should all strive to have and be, empathic partners.
6. They Talk Negatively About You in Front of Others
This red flag in a relationship can be really hurtful. And nine times out of ten it will be presented as a joke. But if you’re ridiculed by someone who’s meant to be your biggest cheerleader – that’s not what you want. It is also a sign of disrespect. If the person can mock you in public, how will they treat you behind closed doors?
7. Your Relationship is a Secret
Sometimes when you’re dating someone from work, church, or a big friend group, you may want to wait to make it public. However, if you’re being told who you can and cannot tell that you are dating – pay close attention. There are a few reasons I can think of to justify such behaviour. I don’t think you’ll like any of them.
- They don’t plan on treating you right, or already aren’t, and don’t want others to call them out on it.
- They have a bad reputation and know that people would warn you against dating them.
- They don’t think you’re good enough for them and would rather not have people know you’re together.
I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want any of these scenarios to be true for me. Yet 2 of the 3 were for me. Open communication about why the relationship is being kept secret is crucial. And if the person starts being very specific about which friends you can or cannot tell, be very weary. That is a sign of controlling behaviour.
8. They Try to Control You
Which brings me to the next red flag – control. It usually starts rather subtly. “Don’t tell that friend we’re dating. If they know – everyone will find out”, then it goes on to “no you can’t hang out with people of the opposite sex”, to “who are you wearing makeup and nice clothes for?” Pay attention to the little attempts to control your choices. In my experience, when I tried to resist attempts to be controlled, I was then labelled a ‘control freak’ who needed to control everything in my own life.
9. Gaslighting
And, that leads us to the big G word. It can be really overused and misused these days. Here’s what it really means – someone is denying reality straight to your face. As a very obvious example, they switch off the light, but say that you did it. You know it’s not true, but when someone keeps insisting, you start doubting yourself. You start doubting your body, your memories, your reality. That’s gaslighting. It can start as small as “you’re being a control freak by telling me what you want”. No, you’re just expressing your needs and desires, that is not being a control freak. And from there on, it could lead to very, very dark places where physical or other types of abuse is denied. “You have a bruise on your face? Well, I didn’t hit you.” When you know exactly what happened. This isn’t a personal example, but I think a very clear one either way.
Final Thoughts
The reason I’m writing this is because it took me 5 months in counselling to undo the damage done by all the red flags I ignored. This was actually a lot more challenging to write than I had anticipated. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through such experiences. I really hope this little guide on how to recognise red flags in a relationship helps someone. And please, if you are getting to know someone, make sure your friends know. Make sure they ask you if you’re seeing any red flags. And most importantly, be honest with them. As much as you may be craving love, acceptance and affection, the damage that can be done as a result is not worth it. Look after yourself and your loved ones. Dating done right starts with you looking out for yourself.