When you’re dating, there’s a huge difference between dating a good person vs a good partner. While someone could be both, some nice people suck at being partners. How do you know which one you’re dating?
Signs that your significant other isn’t a good partner
1. They don’t help out
I know way too many couples where the man thinks that just because he earns a living, he doesn’t have to do anything in the house. Sometimes, that’s a cultural difference in the upbringing as well. If someone told you all you had to do was work and your wife did the rest, wouldn’t you accept that as a great lifestyle? Unfortunately, to such men (or women, I suppose), we don’t live in the 1950s. We expect more from our partners. If the person you’re with can’t make a cup of tea for themselves or refuses to do any acts of service, that is a major red flag not to ignore. Particularly if you dream of having children someday. Do you want an equal partner who will help out, or someone whose work will be done at conception?
2. Different behind closed doors
Certain people appear like the sweetest, most thoughtful partners when there’s an audience. Then, as soon as you’re alone, you’re left to feel like your needs are a burden. Little acts of service add up. As does someone being consistent and showing up for you, being reliable. Don’t fall for the potential of their sweetness that’s performed for others. Believe the real face they show you in private.
Princess Treatment vs Bare Minimum
This topic is a hot debate now. While I think a lot of the princess treatment is up for debate, certain things are the absolute bare minimum, and I am here to let you know that no, you are not asking for too much. Here are a few things that are reasonable for you to expect:
- When you’re in pain, alleviating it should be your partner’s #1 priority. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re unreasonable for asking for painkillers/ hot water bottle/ to drive you to a hospital. Been there, done that, never again.
- Showing up when and where you agreed – life happens, we all need grace. However, if it’s a pattern that you can’t rely on the person to show up when you’d agreed, it’s not going to get easier when you start building a family. Prioritising being there for your partner is not that hard. If someone is making you feel like it is – run.
- Respectful communication – the absolute lowest, barest bare minimum. Those snarky jokes that demean you in front of others? They’re not that funny. I get it, though. I used to think they were. Then I met my husband and realised I only ever wanted to lift him up in front of others, not tear him down. Not even for the sake of a joke.
- Open to growth – relationships take effort and vulnerability. A lot of our generation wasn’t raised by emotionally mature parents, which left us to figure out this whole healthy communication thing ourselves. If you’re the only person doing the work, you’ll soon become exhausted. Communication and growing in emotional intelligence are paramount to the success of a relationship. Being open to evolving isn’t too much to ask of your partner.
- You should feel like a priority – while we go through different seasons where life can be busy, you should always feel like you matter. It’s all about balance, but you should always feel like a partner and not an afterthought. In the past, I’ve felt like a sounding board, an assistant, a maid; I gave my all to try and earn love. Someone who truly values you won’t make you jump through hoops; they’ll love you for who you are and prioritise spending time with you.
How can someone be a good person but not a good partner?
I’ve heard many stories where the partner had seemingly the same values and beliefs, was kind and generous to their family, friends. But when it came to building life just the two of them, that generosity evaporated. If someone only goes out of their way for people they see every now and then, but not you, their life partner, that shows where priorities lie. Good person vs good partner aren’t mutually exclusive. You can meet someone who’s kind to others, has the same values, but also prioritises your relationship and helping you. The key question to ask yourself when dating is – Does this person make my life easier or harder? I know a lot of people will still come to the wrong conclusion, but try and be honest with yourself. Choosing a partner for life is the most important decision you’ll ever make.