I’ve spoken about what forgiveness looks like in a previous post, but I feel like forgiving yourself is a whole other category. You’re the only person you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life. If you are constantly beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, you’re not exactly great company to yourself. I think that ultimately to forgive yourself, what you need is self-compassion.
How To Forgive Yourself
Let’s start with forgiving yourself for things you didn’t do. Maybe you didn’t do enough to protect yourself. Maybe you blame yourself for things others did to you. Did you fight hard enough? Did you walk away soon enough? Here’s the thing. I don’t think answering such questions will do you any good. Why? Because you can’t turn back time. What’s done is done. What you need to do is to learn to live with the outcome of it. Perhaps the outcome is extremely painful. I’ve been there. So, know that I’m writing this with the utmost compassion. I know how hard it can be when you so desperately wish you could change what happened. But you can’t. What you can do is change the narrative of the story you tell yourself. Remind yourself that you’re not to blame for the actions of others. Tell yourself to let go of the guilt and shame. Literally, say these things out loud until you start believing them. Take those lessons, learn what you can, and move forward.
Learn From Your Mistakes
Learning from your mistakes doesn’t have to be about wishing you had done things differently. You can learn from your mistakes by acknowledging how you see things differently now. We can see so many things in hindsight that we don’t see when we’re in the thick of the situation. Remind yourself that. Forgive the past you by acknowledging that he/she didn’t know what you know now. I think it almost helps to see your past self as a different person. You know what they say, it’s better to learn from the mistakes of others than your own. Our experiences change us. Let that change be positive by not further punishing yourself.
Forgiving Yourself For Hurt You’ve Caused
I think the hurt we’ve caused can be harder to acknowledge. Pride gets in the way of us admitting we were ever wrong. However, if you have come to the conclusion that you were in the wrong – that’s step number one. Then, it is essential to apologise, circumstances permitting. People get to choose whether they want to forgive us or continue having a relationship with us. The beauty of free will. While you may feel like an awful person for hurting someone, especially if it’s someone you love, you need to forgive yourself. I’d go back to what I said about learning from your mistakes. Acknowledge it, see how you can do better in the future, and move on.
Final Thoughts
Forgiving yourself can be really challenging and painful. You can’t wish away your past or your actions. All that matters now is what you do going forward. Choose to forgive yourself. Choose to be kind to yourself and show yourself compassion. We all fall short, we all fail, but let’s start doing better by first being kinder to ourselves.