People debate about what’s more important when it comes to compatibility vs chemistry. I see lots of young people do a round-up of their year in dating and describing why it never went past the first date – there was no spark. I blame the movies and couples who only share their highlights on social media creating unrealistic expectations. So, what’s more important, compatibility or chemistry?
What Does It Mean to be Compatible?
Compatibility is quite a subjective topic as well. So people think that being compatible means you like all the same things, have similar routines, have the same values. I think a huge part of being compatible is actually being flexible. While you should both value your relationship, from that stems the desire to make it work. That could mean adapting to different routines, learning about each other’s hobbies, allowing the differences to bring you together rather than tear you apart.
What Is Chemistry
On the other hand, we have chemistry. It’s that instant connection when you feel like you’ve known the person for years. That instant attraction and banter. A lot of people crave it. Chemistry creates an illusion that the relationship will be easy. But in my view and my experience, chemistry is like a fire built on coconut husk. It set ablaze quickly and burns fiercely, but it goes out just as quickly if you’re not building it on a solid foundation.
Why Chemistry is Overrated
I think compatibility is more like a fire build with kindling. You slowly add one piece after the other, you nurture it (I watch a lot of Survivor). You get used to putting effort into your relationship and the maintenance of it. With chemistry, you expect that instant connection to carry you through conflicts and challenges but it won’t. The chemicals in your body will only help you for so long with the thoughts of “How could I be made at that face?” Eventually, you’ll have no problem being mad at them. And then you’re faced with the realisation that once the fire is out, there’s nothing more keeping the fire going.
Compatibility Isn’t Sexy
Yes, I said it. No movie ever started with the words “We got along well and grew our relationship steadily”. It’s always a whirlwind, a rollercoaster, it’s unexpected. We get used to extreme highs. No, we get addicted. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know what I’m talking about. And if you’ve experienced it, you might know that a healthy, calm relationship can feel boring. The absence of drama and conflict makes it seem like the relationship isn’t going anywhere. When in reality, you’re slowly getting to know each other. You don’t feel like you’ve known each other your whole life, so you have to devote time to actually get to know the person.
My Personal Experience
I always knew I wanted to date someone I was compatible with in terms of beliefs and values. Other things are not as important and I stand by it. When I started dating my now fiance, it was a very slow burn. While we were both attracted to one another, it didn’t feel like an instant spark. But now, nearly two years down the line, what a comfort it is to know that we built the spark on the foundation of respect, mutual interest and effort, and continued learning about one another. We know how to make each other feel loved, valued and seen. But it wasn’t instant.
Final Thoughts
When you’re looking for a partner, look for someone whose values align with yours. Look for someone who makes you feel safe, respected and valued. These are three simple words that encompass a lot more than meets the eye. I’ve spoken before about 10 signs of a healthy relationship, you can find more there. Ultimately, while a spark is exciting and thrilling, it won’t make your relationship last. It’s an agreement to continue working on it and intentionality that will.