Christian Dating Done Right

We all have different dating experiences and get taught different things, and Christian dating done right is quite a challenge. Once again, I’m no expert in this field, but I think I have enough of a combination of awful and beautiful experiences that I’ve learned from and can now share. And before you run away seeing the word “Christian” – please stick around. My goal is to first and foremost help you see if the person you’re dating is respectful and kind.

What I Was Taught About Christian Dating

From what I recall, my first introduction to Christian dating was at a conference in Latvia called ‘The Sexual Revolution’. It was supposed to, as stated in the title, revolutionize our views of dating based on biblical standards. That, it did not. During Q&A sessions teenagers were encouraged to just “go for it” and ask people they like out. While this may seem logical to some of you, there are Bible verses that talk about being equally yoked, meaning having the same values and beliefs, for starters. So you shouldn’t go around asking anyone and everyone you find attractive out on a date.

I was around 16 when that conference took place. When we returned to Lithuania, our youth pastors wanted to have their own conference about relationships where they explained the harm of casual premarital sex and how God created sex for marriage. Again, not everyone will agree with this view, but the Bible is clear about it.

However, one other thing we were taught really stood out to me. We were asked to make lists of the type of partners we want. Once we had – we were told to only look at maybe the top 3 qualities and forget the rest. It’s impossible to meet someone who would match that list so might as well only focus on the top few qualities if we didn’t want to stay alone for the rest of our lives. And this is what I majorly disagree with. If your list includes qualities such as “6’6, likes the same food as me, works out 4 times a week” then perhaps that’s too specific or shallow. However, I’d like to share a list I made earlier this year.

My “List”

1. Someone who is passionate about their faith
2. Respects me and my body
3. Genuinely interested in me
4. Good sense of humour
5. Adventurous
6. Loves to travel
7. Shows initiative
8. Good and willing communicator
9. Patient
10. Kind
11. Gentle
12. Looks after himself
13. Selfless
14. Has integrity
15. Makes me feel safe

Now imagine if I had to narrow it down to 3. Should I settle for someone who was impatient, showed no initiative, and was selfish? Or maybe someone who has no integrity, someone who doesn’t respect me? Lists can be unreasonable and yes, I could narrow down my list a little, but there are very few things on my list that I would compromise on. And you know what? I wish more of my friends didn’t compromise on things like respect, integrity, selflessness, initiative and interest.

Questions to Ask Yourself When Dating

So now that I’ve shared the qualities I think are crucial in a partner, I’ll also share some questions I wish people had asked me in the past, and questions that I asked myself when I reentered the dating scene.

1. Do your values align?

If you’re a Christian looking to date another Christian, the person going to church is not enough of an indicator of them genuinely loving Jesus. Do they pick and choose what they believe in the Bible? Are they looking for loopholes to justify their behaviour? Do they call you overly spiritual for quoting the Bible? All red flags in my view. Now for some green flags: love people around them, honour God with everything they do in life, pray about decisions, and turn to the Bible when unsure about moral questions. These are just a few.

2. Do they respect you?

For me, this is absolutely the second most important question to ask. I think most people would respond with yes because unless it’s really in your face, disrespect can be masked as playful behaviour and be laughed off. I’ve heard that a good way to see if someone respects boundaries is to set a really small one on the first date. My example would be not allowing people to abbreviate my name. If someone has an issue with that, to me it’s an immediate sign of disrespect that could go much further in the future. Another important question when it comes to respect – does he/she respect your body? If they keep pushing your physical boundaries (it will most likely start small), they will keep doing it as long as you allow them. Don’t.

3. What do you like about them?

This one has had some of my friends go completely silent. All those butterflies, sparks flying, but when asked this simple question – there was nothing substantial they could say. It was all about a feeling, rather than who they are as a person.

4. How do they make you feel?

This one isn’t about butterflies either. Do they make you feel like a priority? Do they make you feel like what you have to say matters by listening and asking follow-up questions? And how about safety, do you feel safe around them? Or do they make you compete with other people for their attention and therefore make you feel insecure? That becomes a chase for validation completely disregarding whether they’re even the kind of partner you’d want to have.

5. What is it you want in a partner?

I’ve also had friends tell me they had great dates with attractive people but felt no spark. What is that spark? Why is it important to you? I think it’s important to ask those questions. In my opinion, you can build chemistry over time. And sometimes, what you call a spark, is just the ups and downs you’re used to after being in an unhealthy relationship. Suddenly when things are calm and smooth, it doesn’t feel quite right. Your body isn’t used to the feeling of safety.

Final Thoughts

I could go on and on about dating, but I hope that this list of questions will be helpful to those who are either looking to date, or are in the early stages of their relationships. You might have your own opinions of what Christian dating done right looks like. I just wish people spoke about it more. At least past the “find someone with a similar calling and don’t have sex before marriage”. As always, I’d love to hear your opinions, whether you agree or disagree with me in the comments!