I’ve written about red flags before, but I recently realised it is time to write about abuse and how to recognise it. Someone asked me how I choose topics to write about. When it comes to topics like abuse and red flags, I mostly write because I hear horror stories from my girlfriends. I write about these topics in hopes that it will help someone recognise unhealthy patterns in their lives. My hope is that this post will help you name something you’ve experienced. Something you knew was unpleasant but didn’t know qualifies as abuse.
What is Abuse?
Abuse has become one of those buzzwords like ‘gaslighting’ that people just throw around carelessly. I won’t be doing that today. Why? Because when I told someone that I had been abused, their response was “Oh, I don’t like that word”. (N.B. please don’t ever respond like this to someone confiding in you about an awful experience). So let’s start with the definition. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, to abuse means: to treat someone cruelly or violently (physical and sexual abuse), to speak to someone rudely or cruelly (verbal abuse), and abuse as noun – cruel, violent, or unfair treatment of someone. Seems pretty clear.
Why the Label of Abuse is Important
From my own experience and based on books I’ve read (The Body Keeps the Score, The Myth of Normal, When the Body Says No), there is great power in knowing the right language. When your body feels uncomfortable, you get the tightness in your chest, knots in your stomach, sometimes you don’t have the words to explain it. I remember my first clear experience of emotional abuse. It was so confusing. I would be name called, sworn at, blamed for various things (like asking to open the window while the person was smoking – I was wasting heating money, apparently). But then at the end of the day, I’d get a cuddle and that was all I wanted.
I couldn’t comprehend how opposite the person’s behaviour towards me was, and I would just wait out the bad moments. Once that friendship was over, I started googling terms such as emotional abuse and narcissism. While I’m no professional and couldn’t diagnose him with NPD, I knew that what he did to me at least counted as emotional and verbal abuse. How are you supposed to learn your lesson if you can’t even verbalise what it is?
Examples of Subtle Abuse
“My ex caused me physical pain but it was while he did something he really likes, to hurt me wasn’t his intent”. But, if he was aware that it caused you pain and did it time and time again – that’s abuse. And maybe to you, this doesn’t sound like a subtle example. However, especially when you’re in a long-term relationship with someone you love deeply, the lines can get so blurry. You want what’s best for the person. In turn, that makes it unfathomable that your partner does not, in fact, care about your well-being.
I think this next one I’m going to share might be a touchy subject. I’ll start by saying that whatever method of birth control you choose, should be a decision you make for your own sake (this is to all the ladies out there). I hope most of us know the ginormous list of side effects that hormonal birth control comes with. That’s why I’d say that your partner pressuring you to go on it so he doesn’t have to wear protection (cause you know, it doesn’t feel as nice), is also a form of abuse. It’s one thing to express a preference, it’s another thing to pressure you to go through various side effects that could literally kill you. All in the name of him having more pleasure.
Verbal Abuse and What It Looks Like
Verbal abuse can be subtle as well. It’s not necessarily name-calling or being outright disrespectful. It can start with subtle comments about your body. It can be a way of controlling you. Here’s my example. During my year abroad in Spain, I lost quite a bit of weight. I was depressed, lonely, and controlled the one thing I could – food. But, because it was a method of control and had nothing to do with my body, I hated the way I started to look.
So, when I came back to Scotland during the pandemic, it was my mission to gain back my weight. I rejoiced when my appetite had come back and I would have two dinners that day. The response I received to that joy was criticism. “Why would you eat that much?”, “Why are you having two dinners?” The man was genuinely concerned that I would gain too much weight. Because, obviously, my accidentally getting fat and unattractive is so much worse than me being skinny, deprived of nutrients and on the verge of fainting daily. That’s just another example of someone prioritising what they like (me being skinny) over what’s good for you (me being healthy and happy with my own body).
How to Respond to Abuse
And while that specific time I did defend myself and gave a whole speech about how I was just trying to gain back the weight I’d lost, with a chorus of ‘why aren’t you happy that I’m doing well’, it’s not always that easy. And most times, you will just be met with more abuse and gaslighting. (Gaslighting – the action of tricking or controlling someone by making them believe things that are not true, especially by suggesting that they may be mentally ill). If you’re constantly told that if you react a certain way, you’ll be just one of the crazy women, you do everything not to be labelled that. What you need, at all times of your life, is trustworthy friends. Friends who know what abuse looks like. Friends who will ask you important questions. And you need to know that it’s more than okay to walk away from abuse. Their response to that is not your responsibility. Their well-being after that – is not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is looking after yourself.
Final Thoughts
I really wish I didn’t feel the need to write about abuse and how to recognise it. But we don’t live in a world where abuse is rare. I’ve experienced a bunch of abuse in all the different ways it can show up by different people, and chances are so have you. I hope that this post has helped you identify it for what it is, and will help you move forward. Language has power, as does putting yourself first. If you recognise any of the behaviours I described in this blog, please please please turn to someone you trust and let them know. Don’t suffer alone.