Have you ever experienced fear of abandonment? For me it’s most prevalent in romantic relationships. I know some would call it anxious attachment style. However, I read the book, did the tests, and the clear conclusion was that I have a secure attachment style. The thing is, our sense of security in a relationship might be dictated by our past, even if we feel secure in the present.
My Current Relationship
I am currently engaged, ready to get married next month! Since day one I’ve felt seen, heard and respected. I know that I can bring my concerns, my feelings and anything in between and be listened to with compassion. That creates a real sense of security in a relationship. Unfortunately, a specific past experience has made me feel on edge, particularly in this season of engagement. Whenever something arises, miscommunication takes place – I anticipate my fiance to say he’s leaving me. He’s given me nothing but reassurance throughout our relationship. He’s never threatened to leave me, never even hinted at it. So why do I live as if waiting for the penny to drop?
My Last Relationship and Breakup
The very clear reason for that is my past relationship, and mostly how the breakup came to be. I was engaged to be married then too. Although throughout the relationship I constantly heard “I’m not going to live my life like this” when talking about my behaviour, clearly hinting that he could end it at any point. But what has had a huge impact that gives me fear now is the breakup itself. My (alcoholic) fiance relapsed one day after we went to test our wedding menu at the venue we had booked for our wedding. To say that I was blindsided would be an understatement of the century. The relationship had been tumultuous for its entirety, but I never saw a relapse coming. After weeks of waiting for him to get help and his point-blank refusing, I knew I had to end it. I knew I deserved better.
How It Affected Me
You could say I was the one who ended the relationship so why do I fear being abandoned? Because the man made it impossible for me to stay. For the longest time, I told myself that it showed me who he was, rather than said anything about me and my worth. I went to counselling and dealt with the 2.5 years’ worth of trauma. And then one day, out of nowhere, a voice in my head surfaced: “If a man who’s been with you for 2,5 years and has seen the good and the bad in you would rather drink away all his savings than be with you, what does it say about you?”. Even though that voice came from my own mouth, I couldn’t quite believe what had been hiding in my heart for a while.
The Power of Counselling
Here’s how what I’d learned in counselling came in handy. I had, by this point, learned that I get to write my own narrative. I get to control my thoughts. Laughing at the words that came out of my mouth, I said out loud in response, that that’s not true. I am worthy, I am loveable, and I deserve a man who would treat me right and respect me. Who would value me. I know that my fear of abandonment could be connected to my thoughts of worthlessness that come from my childhood. However, this particular event in my life definitely affected how secure I feel in my current relationship.
Moving Forward
I still catch myself joking about my fiance leaving me on certain occasions. Although I try to catch myself before I say it, but it doesn’t always work. I know that it’s not my logical thinking, but rather my fears and insecurities speaking. It helps that I have a fiance who is understanding and compassionate, and who understands where I am coming from. Nevertheless, I will continue to change the narrative in my head. I will continue to trust his words and actions that completely debunk the fearful thoughts going through my head. I will take control of this fear of abandonment, rather than let it control me.