“No” is a Full Sentence

I started 2024 with the realisation that I still don’t know how to respond to people who don’t know that the word “no” is a full sentence. What do I mean by that? I mean that I don’t owe anyone explanations. I don’t owe information about my personal life. I don’t owe anyone anything that I am not comfortable sharing or doing. 

Learning About Boundaries

I’ve talked about boundaries in my previous blogs and my journey of learning about setting them. During my time in counselling a few years ago, I identified that my issue wasn’t an inability to say no. I can say no loud and proud. My issue is freezing when people don’t accept that no. What do you do when someone asks you for something really personal over a DM, you say no; then they ask you again in person and you remind them you’ve already said no – and they insist again? Apparently, I say sure why not? Even though deep down I don’t want to share that information.

Boundary Issues

According to the book by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend, there are three main boundary issues. Firstly, some people don’t know how to say no. You can walk all over them. They’re widely known as people-pleasers. The second type is people who say no to everything, even good things. A good example is someone who is struggling but refuses any help. And the third type is people who manipulate boundaries. They don’t accept the word no, they’ll do whatever to get their way. They’ll guilt trip you, accuse you of being selfish, the lot. My struggle is not knowing how to reinforce boundaries with the manipulators.

I’d like to take a moment to note that not all manipulators are malicious. Some people haven’t even begun their journey of defining boundaries and don’t know how to respond when someone else sets one. They respond with what’s familiar to them. Be kind and patient with those people. But also have the guts to reinforce your boundaries.

Reinforcing a Boundary

Here’s where the challenge comes in. What do you do when someone has ignored your no multiple times? I think there are a couple of options. Option number one – tell them very clearly, that you are setting a boundary for what you are comfortable with. Tell them that it is important to you that they respect that. Explain that understanding boundaries creates a safe space. Option number two – walk away. I think these come one after the other, rather than pick your choice. If you’ve already expressed how you feel about your boundary and the person still insists on getting their way, it’s time to walk away. It might be awkward, they may be mad at you for abandoning them. However, you have every right to protect your sanity and safety. Your “no” matters. You matter.

Preparing Yourself in Advance

I don’t know about you, but I could name people who test my boundaries. It’s usually friends who think we’re closer than we are. Sometimes I wonder if people feel entitled to personal information about me because I put so much out on my blog. Here’s the difference – I post things that I am comfortable with. If it’s not on my blog, I probably have a small circle of people that I trust with that information.

After a specific incident at the start of this year, I realised that when it comes to specific topics and people, I need to decide where my limits lie before I interact with them. I come up with answers to specific questions in my head. If they push for further details, I now have the conviction to say “That is personal and I will not be sharing that with you”. 

Final Thoughts

Showing people that “no” is a full sentence will piss some people off. People who were never taught to respect boundaries or have never had theirs respected simply don’t know how to take it. Therefore, they take it personally. That’s not your responsibility or your fault. In those moments, you should be proud of yourself for sticking to the boundaries you’ve set. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear what your experience with setting boundaries has been in the comments below.