Now that I’ve just turned 30, I thought I’d share about surviving your 20s. My twenties were wild. But not in the way you might think. I didn’t spend my free time partying and going out, I didn’t really have much free time. I spent years working 30-40 hours a week to put myself through college and uni. Then I got engaged to an abusive man and had to cancel my own wedding with three months to go. Basically, a lot happened. With all that experience, I thought I’d share what I learned and what I wish I knew.
How I see different decades
Here’s how I see life so far. I think the first decade of our lives is spent learning basic skills. We learn how to walk, talk, basic motor skills, counting and reading. Basic functioning skills. Then from 10 years onwards, we learn more about being social beings and more about the world around us. Now when it comes to 20s, I think this decade is about learning about ourselves. It’s about learning our triggers. Well, that is if you do the work to learn them. It doesn’t just come naturally.
What I learned in my 20s
You won’t figure life out in this decade
A lot of us expect to have our careers and partners picked and set in stone in this decade. While it does happen for some people, that still doesn’t guarantee it won’t change in the future. Don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself and your life. Take everything as an opportunity to learn and grow. I did three different courses in college to decide what I wanted to do in life. Then a degree to follow that. After all that, I still wasn’t sure what to do with my degree and I now know that it’s okay.
Have Self Compassion
This was one of the key things I had to learn. We make mistakes all throughout our lives, but in our twenties, that’s when we really start dealing with the consequences of our mistakes. You may hurt some people on the way. You may allow someone else in your life that will hurt you. All of that will require the ability to forgive yourself. The sooner you learn how to do that, the lighter your twenties will be.
Don’t Rush to Get Married
I know some people get married in their early twenties or even earlier and are happy. Here’s what I think though. I think it should be illegal to get married before the age of 25. Our brains aren’t even fully developed until our late 20s! And that’s the part of your brain that understands consequences that develops last. Imagine making the biggest decision of your life before your brain is even fully developed. You’ll think you know what you’re doing. But if you’re anything like me, you really don’t. Some people get lucky and get to grow up with their person. Not everyone who gets married young is that lucky.
Heal Your Inner Child
There’s no better way of getting to know yourself than uncovering your deepest, earliest wounds. It’ll be painful. It’ll be ugly. But it will do you so much good. Once you know why certain things trigger you, why you act a certain way, how your childhood shaped you – you can start healing those parts of you. That will help you not only have a healthier view of yourself, but healthier relationships with others. One book that has helped me in the process has been Homecoming by John Bradshaw. I haven’t finished the book because it has been so taxing emotionally, but it’s a great tool to use in the process. As always, I highly recommend finding a counsellor as well.
Friendships Will Change
Once you spread your wings into the real world, you see which friends are there for the ride. Unfortunately, many hop off. Sometimes it’s due to circumstances. Sometimes your values completely change and no longer align. I’ve had some painful friendship losses in this decade, and some I knew no longer honoured my boundaries. It won’t be easy but I really believe as you grow and get to know yourself better, the right people will come along.
Final Thoughts
I could probably go on and on and on about surviving your 20s. However, I think these five lessons are the most important ones. Be kind to yourself, take every experience as a learning opportunity, and please be careful when making life decisions that could impact the rest of your life.
I’d love to hear from people who are now in different seasons of their lives. What did you learn in your 20s?