I think there are a lot of questions to ask yourself when dating, but I narrowed it down to my top 10. These are the questions I wish I knew to ask when I was in my first relationship. These are also questions I wish my friends who are in toxic relationships asked themselves. When you’re in the thick of it, rose glasses completely clouding your judgement, certain warning signs can be easy to ignore. After all, we just want to love and be loved. Without further ado, here are the 10 questions to ask yourself when dating.
10 Questions to Ask Yourself When Dating
1. Do I Feel Safe?
While the remaining questions will come in a random order, I firmly believe this is the number one thing you should ask yourself. Let’s start by clarifying what this encompasses. Feeling safe with someone means not fearing abuse of any kind. It means having the ability to be vulnerable without the fear of being judged, ridiculed or laughed at. Or just ignored. In a partnership, feeling emotionally safe is just as important as physical safety.
The first time I was asked this question was in counselling while recovering after my first big breakup. I paused for a minute to think, and said “I think I knew he wouldn’t hit me”. That seemed like a perfectly normal response to me. My counselor repeated my own words to me, to make sure I heard what I’d said. All I could do was laugh and say “Wow the bar was low”. Feeling safe in a relationship is so much more than being sort of sure they won’t hit you. It means feeling safe in all aspects of the relationship.
2. Do They Make Me a Priority?
I know that for us as Christians, our priority is God. I’m not arguing with that. But when it comes to getting to know someone, do they prioritise spending time with you over other activities and people? The person you hope to spend your life with should be invested in getting to know you. They should want to spend time with you above anything else. Obviously, we all need to work, have a social life and healthy balance. But do pay attention to what kind of importance they place on you and your relationship.
3. Do They Respect Me?
This is another major one for me. Do they respect your body, your boundaries, your opinions? Do they respect you enough to let you make your own choices? Do they respect you enough as a human not to try and control what you do or wear? Respect shows up in a lot of different ways. It shows up in speaking highly of you in front of other people. It shows up by honouring your views and opinions.
4. Do I Feel Heard and Seen?
John Gottman talks a lot about bids for attention. I think that term perfectly describes feeling seen and heard. When you point out little things that have caught your attention, does your partner pay attention or ignore it? Gottman actually describes this as the key to seeing which couples will last and which won’t. Do they listen to you when you talk about things that matter to you? Do they listen only to have their chance to respond? Feeling seen and heard makes us feel valued. What more could we want from a partnership than exactly that.
5. Do Our Values Align?
This seems like a no-brainer but I thought I’d mention it. If you value completely different things, I don’t see how you could build a life together. You would either constantly argue about things that matter to you the most, or forsake things that matter to you. We grow and change, and so may our values. But certain questions such as religion, wanting or not wanting kids should be taken as constants that may never change. Don’t waste your time in a relationship that you know is bound to end.
6. Do We Have Fun?
Here’s an easy one, and mostly applicable to the beginning stages of dating. Do you actually enjoy each other’s company? Chemistry aside, do you have anything in common? Do you have similar hobbies? It’s not about being the same person and enjoying all the same things. But it is important to enjoy spending time together. Whether you discover each other’s hobbies or find new ones together, you should have fun with the person you’re dating.
7. Do I See Any Red Flags?
This one might be complicated when you’re wearing rose-coloured glasses. But sometimes even if we can’t see it, we can feel it in our gut. Something doesn’t quite feel right. Something about their behaviour is causing anxiety. Yes, those butterflies can be anxiety rather than excitement. Pay attention to that. Most importantly, have people around you who will ask you important questions. Have people around you who have your best intent at heart. I know they can be hard to find and people you trust could end up failing you. Ideally, turn to someone who has no connection to the person you’re dating to eliminate any sort of bias.
8. Our Differences – Are They Non-negotiables or Pet Peeves?
In the age of icks, pet peeves have become non-negotiables. There seem to be two extremes. People either date when they can’t agree on anything. Or, people stop dating because of the smallest, silliest of things. Ideally, you should have a list of your non-negotiables before you start dating. These are things like where you want to live, are you willing to relocate, do you want to have a family someday. These are individual and can be different for everyone. But, someone wearing unfashionable clothes is not a non-negotiable. It’s more of an ick, I guess. Think about what truly matters and what you could look past. And don’t look past the things that really matter to you.
9. Do They Make Life Easier?
While your partner should never complete you or be the sole thing that makes you happy, I think they should make your life easier. Especially if the question is whether they make it easier or harder. A partnership is all about sacrifice and loving each other unconditionally. That means serving one another, encouraging, helping each other out. That, automatically, makes your life easier. Especially if both partners contribute equally. So, if you’re stuck in a relationship that feels like a constant uphill battle, maybe it’s time to reflect on it. There should be more things in a relationship that you’re grateful for than hopeful for. It’s all about dating someone for who they are rather than their potential.
10. Are They Kind?
Last but not least on the list of questions to ask yourself when dating – are they kind? Kindness, or lack of it, can really be overlooked. Pay attention to how they treat strangers, people who serve them, people in authority. Do they extend kindness to only a select few? Maybe one day they’ll decide to stop extending it to you. Kindness seems like such a simple thing, but it says so much about a person.
Final Thoughts
I still know too many friends who are in relationships that will cause them long-term damage. Friends who are being disrespected, disvalued, or unequally matched. If you’re a stranger reading this, I hope you have someone looking out for you. And if you don’t, I hope this post helps you look out for yourself. No matter how long you have been dating, never stop checking in with yourself and seeing if you still feel safe, valued and respected. What else would you ask yourself? Let me know in the comments!