People have different ideas about what makes a relationship successful. Some think it’s longevity, others think it’s passion, while to some it might be friendship or common goals. There’s no denying that longevity can be an indicator of success, however, that’s not always the case. The fact that arranged marriages have a lower percentage of divorce does not make them more successful. All it says is that in those cultures divorce is not an option. I agree that divorce should be the absolute last resort. But if longevity isn’t the best indicator of success in a relationship, what is?
What Makes a Relationship Work
I think a few key things are required for a relationship to work and succeed. Some people say relationships are hard work. I think it can be seamlessly easy when you meet the right person. Here are a few things that, in my opinion, make a relationship a great one.
10 Things that Make Your Relationship Strong
1. Respect
This might be obvious to some, but I know it isn’t for everyone. Respect is the foundation of healthy communication. When you respect someone, you go out of your way to communicate in a calm manner, express your wants and needs without blaming them, listen to their boundaries and accept them.
2. Trust
Trust is another key ingredient in the list of strong relationship tips. You need to trust the person you’re with, but if you’re only starting to get to know someone, remember that trust is earned. If you have suspicions or things aren’t adding up, don’t just brush it off because they’ve asked you to. Listen to what they say, but more importantly, watch their actions. If you have trust issues from your past relationships and trauma, it is important to work through them before you date again. While you should be able to express your insecurities to someone you’re dating, they shouldn’t be punished for something that someone in your past did.
3. Healthy Communication
Healthy communication is vital in relationships. Here are some tips – if you’re communicating something you’re unhappy with, use “I” language. Here’s an example: “I feel ignored and neglected if there is no communication between us all day”. This way you start by expressing how something makes you feel, rather than accusing the other person. It is also important to avoid absolutes, such as “always” and “never”. Do they never text you first or is it something that’s happened a few times? Acknowledge the times when they’re doing things right. People like feeling valued and seen.
4. Know Their Love Language
I’ve talked about love languages in most of my relationship blogs and that’s because I think they’re crucial. Knowing how someone accepts love makes it easier to make them feel loved. If your love language is acts of service so you keep doing little things to help them, while all they want is to be complimented and hear words of affirmation, you’ll both feel underappreciated. You – because you’ll be putting all this work into acts of service while they don’t seem to matter as much to the other person. And your partner, because all they want from you is a kind word, and they’re not getting it. Even if your love languages are completely different, with time and practice, it’s not that hard to start showing it in the way the person you love will receive it best.
5. Have Common Goals
Now, these could be goals in various areas of life. First and foremost, you should be heading in the same direction in life. Do you want to live in the same place in 5 years’ time? Do you want to start a family? Perhaps start a business together? These are non-negotiables that could ruin your relationship if they’re not discussed. Or, at the very least, create a lot of resentment.
6. Share the Same Values
While this is further down the list, it’s no less important than the first ones I mentioned. If your values and beliefs are different, that can cause a lot of arguments. If one of you values time with family while the other one prefers to be alone, that could drive a wedge in your relationship. While there can be some differences, it’s important to also discuss what is a necessity for you and where you can have some leeway.
7. Talk About Money
This may sound odd, but from what I’ve heard, most couples argue about money. It’s important to discuss what money means to you, where you see your future going, and whether you like saving or living in the moment. It could be a matter of two completely opposing lifestyles trying to become one where it’s impossible. If one of you wants to travel the world while the other one is saving for a house, there’s no way that will work without one person sacrificing their dream. Or unless you’re a millionaire.
8. Listen to Your Partner
I’m sure this seems obvious, but we really do just want to be heard. A tip I really like from the Gottman’s Institute is called Turning Towards. That is basically making sure that your body language lets the person know you’re listening. When they’re talking, are you looking at your phone, facing away, or walking off to do something else? Prioritise turning towards the person, your partner, and giving them all of your attention. It will make them feel valued and important.
9. Have Regular Check-Ins
Once you know each other’s love language, it’s a good idea to occasionally check in and ask your partner if they feel loved. The way it was suggested in the 5 Love Languages book was to ask the person how full their love tank is. Once an answer is given (could be on a scale of 1-10) you would then ask what you can do to get it up to 9 or 10. Depending on the person’s love language they might want a hug, for you to do the dishes, or just to remind them of all the reasons why you love them. By regularly checking in, you’ll show the person that you don’t take them for granted and that you still care about them feeling loved.
10. Keep Learning
Keep learning about each other and about relationships in general. Ask each other open-ended questions, go on walks, and spend time doing something you’ve never done before. There are also so many resources out there. While not every book will be for you, some are written by people who have devoted their lives to researching relationships. I would highly recommend two books I’ve mentioned on my blog, The 5 Love Languages and 8 Dates by John Gottman.
Final Thoughts
While there is no clear recipe for what makes a relationship successful, I think these 10 tips are a good place to start. Relationships don’t have to be hard work. They definitely require effort and intentionality, but with mutual respect, trust, and love for one another – it can be a steady, smooth journey where you overcome challenges together.
I love what you have brought up in this blog, I definitely agree with your points (and I suggest open communication to any relationship). One thing I would add to this, in the context of a marriage or significant other (though it might go hand in hand with the love languages and talking about your future together) is communicating what you expect of each other in day to day life. If you live in a home together who is cleaning? Who is making meals? Who is working? Does is change each day? If you are working what do you expect when you come home? Do you want to talk, to read, to watch tv? Do you need time alone? How often do you want to go out on a date? I think it’s good to figure out what you both want in day to day and week to week life as well as ten years down the line. I got this idea from listening to Jordan Peterson speak on marriage.
Love this! I absolutely agree that it’s very important to talk about expectations. I’d probably put this in my “healthy communication” section of this blog. And my list is definitely not conclusive, there’s so much that makes a relationship work. Thanks for sharing your experience.